The Space Between Us

The night crept onto the evening sky slowly, the last rays of sunshine fading into black, stars blinking awake to fulfill their duty of guiding the lost and the forgotten into the morning. As she sat on the edge and watched this dance of light and dark, she wished the stars could guide her too, but she was neither lost nor forgotten. She was just... discarded. Like a used tissue, thrown away in an instant. Abandoned. Left. Dumped. Simple and silly words to describe something that tore her heart apart within mere seconds. None of the words in any dictionary whatsoever could ever dull the ache in her heart and head; they all felt too primitive for a devastation on this scale.

"When were you planning to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now."

"Oh you're telling me now." She balled her hands into fists, resisting the urge to punch his beautiful face. She wanted to smash it in so hard that no one could see and appreciate its beauty. No one but her. Yet, the idea of hurting him was too much to bear, despite all the pain he was causing. Of course he deserved it, he deserved everything she could possibly do in retaliation, but she wouldn't. She couldn't. Not to him.

"I thought..."

"I thought so too. I guess it wasn't meant to be."

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Listen, I am sorry, okay? I wish I had figured it out sooner, I'm so sorry. Really. For everything."

She looked at him; he was facing away from her, his hands nervously fiddling with the hole in his jeans, shoulders slightly hunched. Her first instinct had been telling him that he'd better be sorry, but now she wished she could reach out and run her hands through his golden hair. That had always calmed him down. Back when they used to be... well, whatever they were. She'd never known, and still didn't know, what to call them and the weird fling-ish relationship-y thing they had. She'd never been the kind of woman to make things official, had never seen the point in it, but in retrospect maybe she should have. Then she wouldn't have to deal with what-ifs and whys, especially those would definitely overtake her mind after tonight. She would - at some point - find a flaw in him and let disenchantment and detachment take their course, and all would be well. She wouldn't be drowning in confusion and a shit ton of questions as he sat there and looked at something in the dark.

"But why?"

"There is no why. I don't think it's ever going to work out. We are different and I can never be what you want me to be."

"I don't want you to be anything! I never have! I just want you."

"No. You wanted me to be your savior. Your god even. That's too much to ask from someone. I can't take that responsibility. I don't need any more disappointment in my conscience."

"And you think I'm the dramatic one." She couldn't help but laugh. So that was the reason, a few ridiculously unimportant words she'd said under the influence of a couple glasses of wine. She'd told him she felt safe with him and demons didn't come out to torture her when he was by her side. She would never have thought he'd take her seriously - even though what she'd said was 100% true. Men usually didn't care for such things, but then again he wasn't like other men: he had a gentle touch, a kind heart and a soul so bright that it could rival the brightest star in the heavens. That's what she really loved about him. When she stared into those gorgeous eyes, she could see all the way through and into his soul. On the first day they'd met, the sparkle and shine in his eyes had melted the walls of ice she'd built around her heart and touched something inside her. A part of her which had been locked away for too long had come back to life. In an instant. It wasn't so much as love at first sight, more like freedom at first sight. What else could she have done but to expect him to save her? How could she not? How could she not fall in what people called love with a man whose existence in the world filled her with hope, joy and unimaginable desire? And now, here he was, completely oblivious to the supernovas collapsing inside her. Drifting away from her with each passing second, the space between them opening up and expanding... and he just sat there acting like all this was fine and completely normal.

"Okay." She said, placing a hand on his knee, and smiled away the tears that threatened to come with every breath. "I understand. I completely understand." Of course she didn't understand. However, she knew it was no use dragging it out and forcing him into a situation he'd despise her for. She had to make do with what she was given.

"Really?"

"Yes. Just one thing. Even though I kinda hate myself for asking this, I have to know. And it's fine if you say no. I'm not asking this because I want some sort of validation or a pick me up, I have to know. I need to so I can put things into perspective and that will make processing easier."

"Alright. Go on."

"Seriously, I don't want you to think I'm being a drama queen and I don't want to turn this into a shitty chick flick. I am just asking because it will help me clear my head and sort of compartmentalize our story. Like... please don't think I'm trying to guilt trip you or anything."

"Still waiting for the question."

"Sorry, I got carried away."

"Don't you always..."

"What's that supposed to mean? Never mind. So... my question is... did you ever have any feelings for me or was it just a - for the lack of a better word - a joyride?"

"I did. I still do. This has nothing to do with how I feel." He said and much to her disbelief, pulled her into a hug. She inhaled as deeply as she could, breathing his scent in, trying to engrave it into her memory. Subtle notes of mint and sandalwood and a hint of his own musky scent. Overwhelming as always. His proximity was still giving her the tiniest shred of hope, but physical distance didn't really matter when the space between their souls had grown so wide that Jupiter could fit in between. She choked back the scream building up at the back of her throat and relaxed her body, willing it to melt into his but to no avail. So she just stood still, dreading the inevitable moment which came way sooner than she'd like.

"I'm sorry." He planted a soft peck on her forehead before pulling away, got up and brushed his pants off. Her words got caught in the moment of her failure and she kept quiet. After all, there was nothing she could say that would change his mind. It seemed like he'd made up his mind long before he even realized it. So she accepted her fate, albeit grudgingly, and watched the man who had turned dissonant realities into songs for her walk away to another adventure, leaving her behind in a falling universe. She watched him take step after step, disappearing into the darkness as the stars above kept on blinking, in graceful nonchalance, and the night had finally won against the sun. She could feel them laughing at her suffering: the sun, the night, the stars. A celestial violence in that little bubble of frozen time, but a slight mishap in the grand scheme of things. Then there was the moon. The ever-so-quiet and forgiving moon which only provided a soft light to those in need without any judgement, unlike the stars which only guided the lost and the forgotten. She was neither of those things. And upon seeing how moon tolerated the cruelty of the stars, she didn't feel abandoned anymore. She felt just resigned. Her world would be shaken and in ashes for a while but eventually she could find a way to build it up back up without him. If the moon could tolerate vicious spark of its companions in the sky, she could also find a way to endure the total event collapse in her soul. She turned her gaze up at her new silver friend and let the faint white glow wash over her. Some day, somehow, everything would be okay.

#widek