Stuck

You know how they say some words are not meant to be said? But what about the words that you can not utter no matter how much you try? What do you do then? How do you find your way out of that lexical hell? Is it even possible? Can you rip those words out of the darkest corners of your heart? Or are we all doomed to be stuck in universes we create out of sequences of letters we have taught ourselves to ignore? Our lost desires and forgotten dreams. Barely fueled by the last remnants of what hope once meant. Maybe that's the only reason I write. To reignite the spark I had before everything came crashing down.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm not sure how I let it get this far. Hell, I'm not even sure if I ever had any control over it. Perhaps this was who I was meant to be right from the very beginning, my destiny if you will. Would it be easier if I just accepted that and moved on? Whatever, I don't know. What I do know is that I am so fucking sick of myself and my own mind. I miss whom I used to be. I miss the times when I was full of hope and as happy as anyone can be in this weird journey we call life. Now it's just constant fear, constant anxiety and endless planning. Planning every thing ahead, every single fucking step, just to feel in control. False pretense at best, yeah. But it sure as hell beats the heartache and worry. Heartache can come in different forms and shapes but this one is a special kind of pain in the ass because it was - still is, maybe - self inflicted. Sure they say you're the master of your own destiny and you decide what happens in your life and how you can make anything happen blah di blah blah... but after so many missed chances and failures, I can't help but wonder if that's really the case. I've been told there is a way out of this, yet I find that so hard to believe that I can just get up and do it. All that disappointment took its toll on me. The mere thought of trying that way out overwhelms me. I don't even have the slightest confidence in my abilities or mental capacity anymore. Maybe if I got some help from some sort of professional... but honestly, that feels like cheating. The perfectionist in me keeps whispering to me that I must brave the storm on my own and only then I will be victorious. Then the doubt rears its ugly head again and reminds me of the previous times I've tried and failed, and that this time won't be any different. A billion times a day, stuck between the two evils, trying to choose the lesser evil, pendulum swinging until sleep brings some long-awaited yet fake sense of calm.

But even sleep and the fake sense of calm doesn't soothe the pain of realizing how far I drifted from what/where I aspired to be. It has now been ten years, ten fucking years, this new pathetic me creeping onto the old one, destroying everything on its path. Changing ever so slowly and ever so silently to notice, and ending up as a shell of what once was. Ten years... and I don't even think I've had the time to stop it. Is it too late? Have I missed the boat? Could I even stop it if I noticed and somehow intervened? Probably not. But now, the very core of my existence has been altered in a manner that the road back to dreams and aspirations terrifies me. Even more so than my thoughts maybe. At least I am used to the tricks my own mind conjures to send me spiraling down into this strange mix of apathy and terror. But taking that road without knowing what lies ahead is horrifying. Chills running down my spine kinda terrifying. Isn't it funny how I'm afraid of both the path to salvation and my own mind? Ha, irony at its finest. The freak horror show which alienated people I love. I had no intentions for that but I felt like I shouldn't be disturbing them and their regular, normal lives with the bullshit that surrounded me. Drifting away from each person and joy in my life. I regret it, I can't deny that, but I can't seem to muster the courage up to go back and apologize. Would a simple "I'm sorry" be enough to mend the hearts I've broken and the relationships I've destroyed? I doubt it. I fucked up big time.

I still do. Everyday. Life doesn't wait for anyone regardless of the misery that person is in. Like the great Jeff Goldblum has once said; life prevails over any human's feeble attempt to conquer it. The dawn always breaks, the hours still go by. Each day will bring new challenges, new scary images in my mind, new thoughts to run from. There is nothing to do but to endure, to keep on facing yet another day and to fail yet another time. More planning, more panic and more agony. There doesn't seem to be a way of knowing whether it will get worse or better - and perhaps that's the truth I must accept. The cold hard truth I have to face. Yet... even if I somehow accept that, the question remains:

"Where did I go wrong?"

Fucking hell.

I'm exhausted.

#leprous