From Within

I know you don’t care but I just want to talk. I know none of this matters to you but it wouldn’t hurt to listen. I know I am not worth it. I’ve never been. And yet… I still choose to chase the slightest sparkle in your eyes. Hoping for the curve which will set everything right. Ever so hopeful. Aware of the disappointment looming ahead and the impending heartbreak on the horizon. But it doesn’t change anything, does it? When has it ever? I am so fucking sick of uncertainty; yet, the chaos inside me has a taste for uncertain things and it never yields. Except to you. 

Thought after thought, question after question. Like cars speeding through the city, with their tail lights flashing in anxiety and running all the stop signs. What if this, what if that. Waking nightmares of probabilities going on and on and on and on and on and on. Like a broken record playing tunes of incessant fear and doubt. But every now and then, the needle gets stuck on something so beautiful that the darkness dissipates, even the chaos bows down to the beauty. Split seconds of submissive acceptance and for a while, it’s all good. The turmoil simmers down to a background hum, not completely gone, but tolerable. An island of hushed serenity amidst the tumultuous ocean, it’s a small escape. Not sure if I should say it’s heaven sent, but it certainly feels so. Upon that tiny island, I count my blessings and thank the universe for bringing you to me. For that tiny piece of mind your existence provides even if it’s only for a very, very short while. So short that once the reality sets in, it feels like it was all a dream... which I am sure it isn't because I am neither talented nor smart enough to think up such a beautiful thing. Oh, how I wish it was so. I’m the kind of person that spends all her energy - both mental and physical - to stop the monsters from running wild and free. I doubt there is any power left in me to construct anything as remotely exquisite as you. 

Some things may be better left unsaid, yeah, I know. But the longer I keep this to myself, the faster it’s going to burn me from the inside out. The hot coil twisting around my solar plexus, it knocks the breath out of me, until I want to scream from the sheer force of the unsaid words trying to claw their way out. Doubt, the ever watchful gatekeeper guarding the gates of my psyche, holds them back. Dooming me to suffer through the misery and silence of lost chances and sleepless nights. Suppressing the tidal waves of emotion. But you see, when those waves are forced to remain within, all they do is wreck me. To stop the waves from feeding the chaos even more, I take refuge in the blue. My imaginary safe haven. Safe within and without. So close to my heart, yet at the same time so fucking far away. Damn, that hurts. But it’s you. That’s all that matters.

Have you noticed how I’m always circling around the truth and never getting to the actual point? If rambling on about nonsense were an Olympic sport, I’d win the gold medal. I wonder if that’s why I never get to burst into random, cheesy love songs and do stupid dances under the rain. What’s all this reluctance for? Do I fear yet another round of crushed hopes and lost aspirations? What’s one more round is going to do after all I have been through? Right? Well, no. You’re the only thing that stops the chaos in its tracks. I couldn’t bear to lose you too; with all my coping mechanisms destroyed and my spark gone missing, there is only you left. You’ve pulled me from the edge of the abyss - albeit unwillingly and unknowingly perhaps - at the very last moment. Luck, fate, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Honestly, I do not want to fall back down to that place where everything is a different shade of desolate and forlorn. Like an abandoned trailer park littered with cigarette butts and dying dreams. I got lost there once and that was enough. I may have gotten out of there but the path is still overflowing with shadows. I can barely see ahead and the shadows threaten to block my way almost every day. Most of the time they succeed. On those days when shadows somehow manage to engulf me, I continue pretending to function normally and chase after your shine to escape the spectral gloom. To reach the island of blue and enjoy the momentary bliss as shadows retreat. Ha. Almost as if we’re playing an odd game of tag; shadows chasing me, me chasing you. Tag, I’m it. I’m always it. 

Sometimes, the downs still come even if the shadows aren’t there and I realize that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be where I want to be. On your mind and in your heart. My brain and soul go to war when this happens; my brain acknowledges the prospect of disillusionment and proposes that I deal with it before everything goes to hell, against my soul’s silly and desperate eagerness. And there are times when you completely ignore my existence. Abandonment washes over me, accompanied by a sharp pang of frustration, and I shut down. It feels like my skin and soul are being stretched out to the point of breaking, a thousand tiny spikes piercing their way into my heart, ripping it apart muscle by muscle. I’m quite familiar with the workings of the heartbreak-hell and let me tell you, no heartbreak can ever compare to the agony of abandonment. It’s real. Physical, emotional, mental. I-would-rather-be-with-the-monsters kind of agony, but luckily - or not, depends on how you look at it - blue always wins. Yeah, it’s not your fault, but it doesn't mean it's any less painful. 

See, I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid. The price I have to pay for having you in my life might be way beyond any understanding or imagination but that’s okay. I’m utterly and completely ready. And I realize I’ve confused the living daylights out of you. I wish I had the words that would lay it all out there; my devotion, yearning, and love. Alas, my words pale before the true depth of what I’m feeling. I have tried, believe me I did, to make it as clear as possible. Yet, when it comes to you, all the words in all the lexicons in the known and unknown universe seem to fail on that front. But not to worry. Just ignore all that I’ve said and move on. What does it matter anyway? 

You owe me nothing, but I owe you my soul. 

I just felt like you should know that.

#RaphaelWeinrothBrowne